Mental health is a common topic of conversation, and something that modern parents continuously learn to navigate alongside their kids and teens. It's important to maintain an open dialogue between parent and child to ensure safety and wellbeing are kept top of mind.
But what happens when a teen expresses suicidal thoughts to one of their friends, asking them, “Don’t tell my parents?” It is one of the most difficult situations a teen can face and something that can leave them searching for a solution.
A young person experiencing a mental health crisis may turn to a friend before approaching a parent, teacher or counselor. While that trust can be meaningful, it can also leave the other person feeling responsible for handling a situation they are not equipped to manage.
“When a friend shares thoughts of suicide, a teen may worry that telling an adult will betray that friend’s trust or get them in trouble,” said Marcy Shyllon, Executive Director of Boys Town New England. “Parents need to make it clear that suicidal thoughts should never be kept secret. Getting an adult involved is not a betrayal. It is an act of care that could save a life.”
Preparing Kids Before a Crisis
While parents aren’t always part of the equation at these crucial moments, they can prepare their teens to navigate them thoughtfully before major issues arise. Kids should be prepared to:
Take every mention of suicide seriously. Teens should not assume a friend is joking, exaggerating or seeking attention.
- Take every mention of suicide seriously. Teens should not assume a friend is joking, exaggerating or seeking attention.
- Ask directly. It is okay to ask a friend, “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking directly does not put the idea into someone’s mind.
- Never promise secrecy. Teens should tell a parent, teacher, school counselor, coach or another trusted adult, even if their friend asks them not to.
- Avoid handling it alone. A teen can listen and offer support, but they should never become their friend’s only source of help.
- Get immediate help when necessary. If a friend may be in immediate danger, teens should stay with them, involve an adult and contact 911 or 988.
Teens should also be equipped with the right responses when a friend shares suicidal thoughts. Some examples include:
- “I care about you too much to keep this a secret.”
- “You are not in trouble, but we need to tell an adult.”
- “We can tell someone together.”
- “I am going to stay with you while we get help.”
Parents can also help their teens identify trusted adults before a crisis occurs. Knowing who they can turn to can make it easier for a young person to act when a friend needs help.
When Your Teen Comes to You
If a parent is approached by their teen because a friend has shared suicidal thoughts, there are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Remain calm and thank them for speaking up.
Your teen may already feel frightened or unsure about what to do. Let them know they did the right thing by coming to you.
2. Do not ask your teen to assess the situation alone.
It is not their responsibility to determine how serious the risk is or decide what should happen next.
3. Contact a responsible adult who can help.
This may include the friend’s parent or caregiver, a school counselor, teacher, coach or another trusted adult.
4. Act quickly in times of immediate danger.
If the friend may be in immediate danger, stay with them, involve an adult and call 911 or 988.
5. Check in with your own child afterward.
Supporting a friend through a crisis can leave a young person feeling frightened, guilty or emotionally overwhelmed. Give them an opportunity to talk about how they are feeling and remind them that they are not responsible for handling the situation alone.
Supporting a friend through a crisis can leave a young person feeling frightened, guilty or emotionally overwhelmed. Give them an opportunity to talk about how they are feeling and remind them that they are not responsible for handling the situation alone.
Parents can help teens prepare for difficult situations by reminding them that they do not have to handle a friend’s suicidal thoughts alone. Encouraging teens to speak up, involve a trusted adult and seek help can ensure their friend gets the support they need.